Web Lecture - Relationship turning points

One topic that was mentioned in the web lecture was about relationship turning points. Every relationship has a turning point at some time. In fact, many relationships have many turning points. A relationship turning point is when there is a change to be brought within the relationship, such as moving in with each other, the day decide to become intimate, the day to get married, the day for divorce, the day the first born child moves out. There is several points of turning points in a relationship of any kind. Research studies the kinds of turning points, the reactions to the turning points and how one person moves on from the turning point. Each person reacts differently to the various turning points in a relationship and it is important to acknowledge that yes this is a turning point in this relationship, now what am I going to do with this turning point? Am I going to enjoy it or regret it? Such as moving in with someone who you have been dating (or even just a best friend)... will you regret the decision to move in, or will this be the best decision? Each turning point should be assessed carefully, acknowledged and accepted. Turning points are important parts of our lives. So obviously we have to make the best of them.

Chpater 11 - Stages of Coming Apart

Chapter 11 was about the de-escalating of a relationship. Just as there are stages in escalating a relationship, there are 5 stages in de-escalating it.
1.) Differentiating - the separation of the "we" bond to become an "I" bond. We no longer see us as apart of the other person--that we have our own independence.
2.) Circumscribing - this is the change in communication. Disclosure begins to become minimal, and conversations become shallow and superficial.
3.) Stagnating - the emotional difference between the two and they are just going through the motions of being a couple.
4.) Avoiding - Contact becomes non-existant.
5.) Terminating - relationship is over.
These 5 stages are important in a breakup as it helps the emotional progression and it doesn't leave someone in such a distraught thinking this suddenly happened and they find themself unable to move on. Granted in many situations, the other person doesn't realize these phases are taking place, but we need to realize what signs to look for when a break up is about to transpire.

Chpater 10 - Equity

Chapter 10 discusses ways to maintain a relationship. One important topic in maintaining a relationship is equity. Equity is the principle of fairness between two people. In any kind of relationship, we need to have a 50/50 relationship in the giving and taking. Can't always have one person doing the traveling to hang out with you, can't always be paying for someone else to do something, etc. After awhile the other person will begin to feel used and violated which would break down the relationship.

Chapter 9 - Stages in Relational Escalation

While we do not necessarily realize we are going through stages in our relationships we are. In Chapter 9 there is discussion about the 5 stages of a relationship escalation.
The first step is initiating. This refers to behavior in regards to contacting someone.
Next is experimenting. This is small talk.
Third is Intensifying which is when people get to know more intimate details.
Fourth is intergrating is when the two personalities begin to form into one (2 church choices become one, classes taken are taken together etc).
Finally there is bonding. This is when the relationship is declared to society as an existing relationship, this typically is done by a wedding, or becoming "blood siblings".
When I think about it, every one of my relationships have done this--friendship and dating. My best friend lisa was on the swim team with me in high school and we would talk here and there in the water while we were in the same lane as time progressed we would talk more during practice (yes we would get yelled at for slacking in practice haha) and then I started to hang out with her during the school day. This is the same pattern as I have taken for my ex-fiance. We rode the school bus and would occassionally engage in conversation, hey was easy to do when you are like 7 not to mention the steps vary a little bit because we delvuge information we don't know we shouldnt be so 1-3 go by quickly. Over the years we started to do more things together, eventually we were in the same grade level (I was promoted a year in junior high), so we took classes together, eventually when I moved to California, he moved out here with my family and finally he proposed and we were planing to be married.
So basically no matter what age we are, and what kind of relationship forms, we still proceed into the same stages.

Chapter 8 - Politeness

In chapter 8 there is a section about politeness theory. Politeness theory "focuses on how and why we communicate in polite ways with others".
I believe people are polite with other people as a way to show respect the other person. If someone was rude and angry towards you, would you feel they respect and/or like you? I think not.
I also believe that politeness gets you further, so in a company or personal affairs, if you are looking to obtain something, then being rude isn't going to help you get it.
Being polite has more advantages than disadvantages, so most people should strive to be polite in their day to day affairs.

Chapter 8 - Embarassing

In chapter is there is discussion about how to cope with embarrassment. We all experience embarrassment in our life. Generally the question is how do we handle the moments of embarrassment? Do we get embarrassed by an action that is seen by self for fear of knowing someone else may have seen? Unfortunately, society standards are high and we feel pressured to behave, think and feel a certain way. Thus we are essentially to be perfect, not human. Humans do things that embarrass themself.
I believe the best way to get over embarrassment is to make light of the situation and laugh it off. I remember once slidding on a wet sidewalk wearing sandals and going into a mall. Suddenly I slipped and was right next to this incredibly hot guy. I felt like such a fool and my younger sister was present, so I looked like a bigger fool. I had to have been so red in humiliation, but I laughed it off like it was nothing. Now its just a funny what the heck was i thinking moment. We all need to have a similiar mentality of embarassment and quite fretting over what other people may think or feel.

Chapter 7 - Valence

Chapter 7 was about disclosing the self. One important topic was about valence which refers to the positive and/or negative in messages. Valence affects perceptions of the person communicating. If a message seems too negative, the person hearing the message may end up with a negative impression of the speaker, and vice versa. If the message is too positive, the person hearing may perceive the speaker as too full of them self or chirpy (pending the situation). When someone communicates with other people, they need to have a happy medium of positive/negative, otherwise people's perceptions can been thrown off by the message.

Chapter 6 - Exemplification

In chapter 6, there is discussion about exemplification. Exemplification is an attempt to project an image of oneself, usually with integrity and moral worthiness.
This is something generally we all try to do. We all try to seen as dedicated to a cause, helpful, etc. We want to be as something good, generally in hopes to have friends and such things as that. Our parents while we were growing up tried to behaved as exemplifiers' in hopes to be seen as a good role models to us.

Adaptability

In Chapter 16 was discussion about the need to adapt and be flexible in our communication styles for different situations. We can not approach the same technique to everyone. We can almost say it is inconsiderate to communicate the same way to everyone. When we adjust our styles, use a softer tone to loved ones, more assertive to business collegues, a child sounding tone for children etc. it is like we are considering the feelings and the person we are dealing with, thus we are providing respect so to speak. When we talk to infants, we use baby gibberish and sound all goofy, but if we did the same thing to a 6 year old they would be like "I'm not a baby, I'm a big (boy or girl)" and it would be insulting to them that you see them as an infant still. Not to mention if you speak baby talk in a room full of grown up, you just end up making yourself look like a fool! When you talk with your friends you want to be soft and sweet (or however you men would like to describe the way you talk to your buddies) because you want to be liked and be a pleasure to be around. However if you used a soft and sweet approach as a CEO or Manager of an Oraganization, your employees are going to think of you are a push over. So in a boardroom or office you would be to assertive in what you want and expect from your employees, but while still be soft and considerate for their feelings---Don't want to be too cold hearted. So we need to be able to adjust automatically our approach for communication for the circumstance. In most cases, I feel adaptability is instinctive. Now there is the rare occassion when a mother of a newborn has a hard time doing that switch from baby talk to adult talk, but she eventually gets it. In some circumstances we need to pay attention to the way we talk and think if it is correct or not. So this chapter is good for showing us what we need to be aware of to better be able to consciously adapt our communication skills to make sure we are communication effectively.

Chapter 16 - Conversation Narcissism

Conversational Narcissism is a conversation in which the speaker is more concerned about talking about themself as oppose to really creating a dialog. While everyone likes to talk about themself, we obviously can not do it all the time as then we end up dominating a conversation, and not really taking an interest in the person we are talking to etc. When we neglect the person we are talking to, eventually that person will get a clue and say you know what, screw you I'm tired of listening to you talk about yourself. After a while, narcissism gets old.
I know I recently met someone around here where he always talked about him, his daughter or daughter's mother (drama with mother). Frankly, I didn't care to hear about it either. Occassional discussion about it was ok, but man, this guy would yack about it all the time! And whenever I would discuss anything--general happy topic about my family/sister, school etc, he would find whatever I would say and relate it to him some how and would be off on a tangent and dismiss the fact I was originally talking. Then when I would get moody (which I admit happens often, but I did also warn him that I do get ;) ) he would get mad and then cuss me out with some name and ignore me. Like no question as to what was wrong you know. So when I finally brought it to his attention one night, after he went on for like 45 minutes about his daughter drama, knowing fully that I was studying for a final that was the next morning, he was like oh well sorry to trouble you, and essentially stopped talking to me. Hey, I admit I'm much better off without him around, I'm glad he was a jerk when I tried to express my feelings.
So this in my opinion was an example in which I could relate to the topic.

Chapter 16 Communication Competence

In this chapter theres discussion about communication competence. Communication competence is a reflection of good listening skills entailing nodding of the head to indicate following along, or similiar non-verbal means of communication, as well as verbal signals such as immediate feedback, "oh", "uh", "huh" etc to indicate that you are following along. These tend to indicate that the person is following along in the discussion, are interested or act as a means to clarify a topic.
I believe communication competence is important because it shows you are interested in what the person is talking about. This also helps keep you attentive to what the person is saying thus allowing for you to listen to the person. Now, of course there is the possibility of a person learning to nodd in agreement, or say oh and appear to be following along, but isn't. But of course we should always give the benefit of the doubt.

Listening

Chapter 4 was about Listening and how essential listening is.
I agree that listening is essential, however I also find it over rated a bit. There is too much emphasis on listening and not acknowledging the barriers that can occur that can make it appear as someone is NOT listening.
When we talk to someone, or chat/email/text etc., we like to receive acknowledgment that the receiver heard what we said. I know I get mad when someone doesn't reply to me with a "haha", "oh", "ah" etc at minimum when I talk, because then I am left with the belief that they aren't listening. Other times, that "oh" or "ah" can be perceived as "fake listening"
Other times, there can be language barriers that can create misunderstandings, which also appear to some as the listener isn't really listening.
Or, someone can only hold an attention span for so long, and then begins to have the mind wander, and thus listening is forgotten. Or the exact opposite, someone is listening, but can't interpret what is being said.
I believe listening needs to be associated with non-verbal means. And in some cases, we need to assess the way we communicate to someone and perhaps find a way to make communication more effective for that person. Thus, communicating face to face can be more effective, as it is better to assess the circumstance that you can't do behind a screen, or in some cases maybe communicating through a screen is more effective. But to determine what works best, one must assess the person they are trying to communicate with.
Thats just my .02 worth.

About me

I am 22, Junior/Senior (I think I'm like a unit short of Senior). I transferred to San Jose State in January. I received my Associates in Business Administration from Saddleback College in Mission Viejo, CA (Orange County). I am studying Business Management as well as Communications. Once I graduate from San Jose which hopefully will be Spring 09 if not then Fall 09, I intend to go to Law School, have yet to decide where I am applying to. I am starting to think of applying to schools in the Seattle area. I moved to San Jose because I didn't like Orange County. The people there were snobbish and not my kind of people, plus the weather was way too boring and the scenery was blah. I do have to admit though, I miss not being within 10-15 minutes of the beach, the only perk to O.C. in my opinion. I like the area here and the weather is a little more spiced up compared to So. Cal. However, I haven't liked the weak job market that is very much existent here, and the businesses here are just too blah---something about going to a grocery store and finding the store managers slacking off is just so much a drag. So, since I don't want to go back to O.C., I think I will give the Washington area a chance.
In this course, I am hoping to learn to better effectively communicate and be able to use what I learn, as a lawyer.
Ok, well that's enough on Me. Hope everyone does well in this quick session, and will be able to enjoy the rest of your